Don't Be Foolish About Adultery

There is simply no way to calculate the destructive power of adultery. God took this sin so seriously that the law of Moses called for death by stoning for both parties involved (Deut. 22:22). Why is adultery so serious? God knew that this sin would undermine the family structure in Israel, and that it would undermine Israelite society in a way that nothing else could and God knows that adultery is a sin that captivates people like no other. Many of us have seen men and women risk and in some cases lose everything that was most precious to them (marriage, family, reputation, job, their relationship with God) because of an infatuation with someone who wasn’t their spouse.

Proverbs underlines the seriousness of adultery by speaking repeatedly and directly about this sin and its consequences, and by pleading with the “young man” to follow the path of Wisdom, a path that leads away from adultery. No one should be foolish about this sin because it is just too dangerous! Proverbs contains four primary texts that warn against adultery.

Text #1: Proverbs 2:16-19

This text tells the young man what will happen if he pursues and follows Wisdom, “So you will be delivered from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words, who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God; for her house sinks down to death, and her paths to the departed; none who go to her come back, nor do they regain the paths of life.”

The word translated by the ESV as “forbidden” in verse 16 literally means “strange.” The woman is “strange” in that she is someone other than the young man’s wife. Verse 17 points out her sins: first, she forsakes “the companion of her youth” (her husband), and then she “forgets the covenant of her God.”

Adultery is a very complex sin but those guilty of adultery often argue, “We are consenting adults and what we’re doing isn’t hurting anybody,” but the claim isn’t true. First, the adulterer sins against the other person involved in the relationship. Second, the adulterer sins against his / her own spouse and against the spouse of the other person, if that person is also married. Third, they sin against the children and parents of both marriages. Next, there is the obvious sin against God (Psalm 51:4) and finally, adulterers, sin against their own bodies.

Paul, in harmony with Proverbs, admonishes us to “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:18). Not only is adultery a violation of another person, it is a violation of one’s own personhood as well; we just weren’t created for this sort of behavior. Listen to this warning, “None who go to her come back, nor do they regain the paths of life” (2:19). The statement clearly outlines the consequences of surrendering to the embrace of the “strange” woman.

Once a person starts down the road of adultery, redemption is still possible, but the destruction of the adulterer’s life and the devastation of others touched by this sin is permanent. Even though an adulterer may eventually find forgiveness, the pain of what has been destroyed will linger for a lifetime. The wise man says, “Don’t be foolish about adultery!”

Text #2: Proverbs 5:1-23

So serious and dangerous is the sin of adultery that the entire fifth chapter is devoted to it. It begins, “My son, be attentive to my wisdom; incline your ear to my understanding” (5:1). In other words, what follows is of the utmost importance and seriousness, so the reader needs to listen carefully. Once again, the text speaks of the “forbidden” woman. The quality of “forbidden-ness” is what often seems to draw people into adultery.

Verses 1-6 acknowledge the appeal and the deceptiveness of adultery. The forbidden woman’s lips drip honey and her words are smoother than oil, “but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.” Eventually, “Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol.” Following her isn’t a good idea!

Verses 7-14 offer the surest deterrent to adultery, “Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house” (5:8). It’s much easier to stay away from temptation than to walk away once you’ve gotten involved. Walking away may require some drastic measures, but if you’re being tempted by this sin, it is the wisest and safest course of action.

Here’s how that translates into today’s world. If you are being seriously tempted to commit adultery, get as far away from the source of temptation as you can, and do so as quickly as possible. That may mean changing your circle of friends, getting a different job, moving to a new neighborhood – all of which may seem drastic – but anything is better than the disaster that will come if you get caught up in a web of adultery.

According to verses 7-15 this sin is the sad result of ignoring the wise teaching given earlier in life, “and you say, “How I hated discipline, and my heart despised reproof! I did not listen to the voice of my teachers or incline my ear to my instructors. I am at the brink of utter ruin in the assembled congregation” (5:12-14). The adulterer ends up wondering, “Why didn’t I listen?” Of concern here is not simply what happens to the man’s family, his job, and his reputation, but what his sin costs him in relationship to his standing with God’s people as a whole.

Verses 15-20 offer another deterrent to adultery: enjoy the spouse you have. Paul said something very similar to this in First Corinthians 7:2-5; listen to what he said:

“…because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you through lack of self-control.”

Notice that Paul’s primary goal in these verses is to help Christians avoid sexual immorality, and a healthy sexual relationship in marriage is an important deterrent to that sin. Proverbs 5 goes even further. The writer doesn’t just say, “Have a healthy sexual relationship,” but encourages the young man to “Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well” (5:15). So far that sounds like a poetic way of saying the same thing Paul says in First Corinthians 7, but then, continuing the water imagery, he says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe” (5:18).

In other words, enjoy the spouse you have, instead of chasing after someone else. It’s amazing how little effort some people put into having a strong marriage, but how much effort they expend in having an affair! In his 1983 book The Myth of the Greener Grass, J. Alan Petersen explores the mind games people play where their marriage is concerned. They tell themselves that somehow life will be better if they have someone else, if they engage in an illicit sexual relationship, or if they switch spouses altogether. But as he says, it’s a myth.

Usually the problems a person has in one marriage will be carried over to another. The same challenges of love, acceptance, and mutual responsibility are still there, as is the need to be selfless and sacrificial. Besides, that “other person” who seems so ideally suited to you undoubtedly carries a lot of baggage of their own, and having them may not be as wonderful as you might think. Otherwise, why are they seeking someone else’s spouse? What hope is there for two adulterers to have a successful marriage when they both know the other can’t be trusted? Like Paul, Proverbs points to the sexual side of marriage as an effective deterrent to adultery.

Verses 21-23 present yet a third alternative to the sin of adultery. The closing verses of Proverbs 5 encourage us to remember that God observes everything we do. “For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths” (5:21). This is reminiscent of Hebrews 13:4: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

It’s just plain foolish to think you can commit this sin and get away with it. You may be able to hide your adultery from other people but there is no way to hide it from God and one day, you will have to stand before the judgment seat of Christ to give a defense for the sinful decisions you have made in this life; don’t be foolish!

Text #3: Proverbs 6:20-35

The wise teacher returns to the subject of adultery in the very next chapter. He begins by pleading with the young man to pay attention and to never forget the teachings of his father and mother, especially where adultery is concerned. Then, he points out the danger of engaging in a sinful relationship with a married woman (24-35). As bad as it is to steal food, that’s sometimes understandable and may be forgiven, but stealing someone else’s wife is likely to get you killed.

However, even if adultery doesn’t cost you your life, it can still cost you dearly. Think of the example of King David after he committed adultery with Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah the Hittite (2 Sam. 11).

It looked as if David had gotten away with his adultery and the murder of Uriah, who was one of his most loyal and faithful soldiers, but eventually Nathan the prophet exposed his sin and brought David to his knees in repentance. Still, David didn’t escape the consequences of his actions. From Second Samuel 1 until the time of his sin in chapter 11, David experienced an almost meteoric rise in power and popularity. After chapter 11, everything started to go downhill.

The infant son born to the adulterous union died. One of David’s sons (Amnon) raped one of his daughters (Tamar). Another son (Absalom) killed that one (Amnon) and had to flee for his life. David became so distracted and depressed by his family’s disintegration that he did a poor job governing Israel. Eventually his murderous son returned and tried take over the kingdom, only to be killed in battle. It’s a sad story. Its message, along with that of these texts in Proverbs is clear, when it comes to the consequences of adultery: Don’t be Foolish!

Fourth Text: Proverbs 7:1-27

Here is another entire chapter devoted to warning the young man against adultery. (You get the impression the wise man was afraid he might not be listening.) Such an abundance of material on one subject is a clear indication of both its danger as well as its importance. What the teacher describes is something like a one-act play.

He describes a scene he has actually witnessed, “a young man lacking sense,” hanging out near the house of the “forbidden woman” (further defined as “the adulteress with her smooth words”). She lures him not only with her provocative dress, but also with assurances of her husband’s absence and of her readiness to make love to him. The result: he follows her “as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into a snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life” (22-23).

The teacher’s admonition is the same as before: don’t go there. Pay attention. Realize where this will end – in your death! Today, thanks to the Internet, we face another form of temptation that the writers of Proverbs knew nothing about, I’m talking about what some have called “virtual adultery.” Virtual adultery refers to the use of Internet pornography that is so readily available to anyone with a computer or smart phone, but how does viewing pornography amount to adultery? It's simple.

Jesus said in Matthew 5:28 that “whoever looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” There’s no question that viewing pornography is looking at a woman with the intent to lust. Otherwise, why do it? And just think what this sort of irresponsible behavior can do to a marriage.

If you are continually desiring someone other than your wife or husband – even if it’s someone you don’t actually know – it’s bound to affect your relationship negatively. No husband or wife can hope to compete visually with the images found in pornography, and even if they could, it’s just plain sinful to be wanting someone else when you already have a spouse to whom you have pledged your loyalty. Virtual adultery is nothing less than emotional infidelity, and that’s just as serious and sinful as physical adultery.

Virtual adultery is real adultery, not a lesser form of it and it’s often a gateway to physical adultery as well, so what should you do if you’re guilty of either physical or virtual adultery?

• Stop it completely and stop it now. No excuses. No delays. No “working on it.” Just give it up. In the case of virtual adultery, make yourself accountable to others for all your online activities. Ask someone you trust to review your phone use on a regular basis. Whatever you have to do, just do it!
• Ask God to forgive you and to strengthen you against this particular form of temptation. The good news is, He will.
• Get whatever outside help you may need, whether from a minister, Christian friend, or professional counselor. Use every resource available to you to beat this addiction.
• Take Solomon’s advice: work at strengthening your marriage. You’ll be amazed at how putting more time and effort into your husband or wife will wean you away from interest in any form of adulterous relationship, whether physical or virtual.

Perhaps the best advice of all: don’t get involved with adultery in any form (virtual or physical) to begin with. You’ll never be sorry you didn’t, and you will most definitely be sorry if you do!